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Dealing with Issues - For Families

To find information about how addictions affect families, click below

Affected by someone's drinking or drug use
Affected by someone's gambling
Grew up in a family where there was an addiction
Someone in my life has an addictive addiction
My adult child has an addiction problem
Children living with a parent with an addiction
Worried about a friend

Affected by someone's drinking or drug use

Although each person's situation is unique, those affected by alcohol/drug problems may share many common experiences and feelings.

Often they feel that they are somehow responsible for the problem and that no one else understands their situation. Such beliefs can leave them feeling guilty, embarrassed and alone and may prevent them from reaching out to someone who can help.

You are not responsible for someone else's choices or behaviour.

Talking about things with someone who understands can help to make sense of what seems like an overwhelming situation. Our Family Services staff recognize how alcohol/drug problems can affect relationships. They are available to listen and support you in taking care of yourself.

Ask yourself these questions - they may help you to determine if someone else's use is causing problems for you!

Do you sometimes worry about what may happen when someone you care about is drinking or drugging?
Do you avoid situations where a friend or family member may be using alcohol or drugs?
Do you try to control how much someone else uses? (for example, do you water down or hide liquor?
Do you sometimes feel hurt or angry because of the behaviour of a friend or family member who is using?
Have you given up activities you enjoy to look after a friend or family member who is using?
Do you sometimes feel embarrassed by someone else's drinking or drug use?
Do you worry that others might find out about a friend or family member's drinking or drug use?
Have special occasions been ruined by someone else's drinking or drug use?
Do you hide or lie about the drinking or drug use of someone you care about?
Do you blame yourself when a friend or family member is drinking or using other drugs?

Affected by someone else's gambling

If you have just discovered a gambling problem in your family you may be feeling shocked. "How could this be happening in my family?" You may even feel responsible in some way.

It's possible that you may have felt for sometime that things were not quite right, but you couldn't put your finger on what was wrong. Whenever you questioned your family member about something out of the ordinary they had an explanation. Maybe the explanation didn't seem to make sense at times but you believed it because you love and trust that person.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT KNOWING.

Once you realize there is a problem you may find that your behaviour changes. Ask yourself the following questions. They may help you determine if someone else's gambling is affecting you in some way:

Do you deny there is a problem, or the extent of the problem?
Do you try to control the other person's gambling?
Do you argue and fight more frequently?
Do you make excuses to the children and/or others?
Do you work harder to fill the financial, social, and emotional gap left by the gambling person?
Do you blame the gambler's friends?
Do you secretly wish for the "big win" yourself?
Do you express anger in unhealthy ways, like displacing it toward the children and others?
Have you come to the point of hiding money needed for living expenses, knowing that you and the rest of the family may go without food and clothing if you do not?
Do you feel guilty when you don't trust or are suspicious about the other's activities?
Do you search this person's clothing or go through his or her wallet when the opportunity presents itself, or otherwise check on his or her activities?
Do bill collectors constantly bother you?
Do you attempt to anticipate this person's moods, or try to control his or her life?
Has the gambling ever brought you to the point of threatening to break up the family unit?

Talking about things with someone who understands can help to make sense of what seems like an overwhelming situation. AFM staff recognize how gambling problems can affect relationships. They are available to listen and support you in taking care of yourself.

To talk confidentially with an AFM counsellor, please call the AFM office closest to you.

Grew up in a family where there was an addiction

What does that mean for me today?
Do I carry some of the personal legacies of being an adult child of addiction (AC0A)?
Parenting Issues
Relationship Issues

What does that mean for me today?

If you grew up in a family with an addicted parent, you are a survivor. You found ways to cope with the secrets, the turmoil and the fear. You probably learned the three rules of living with addiction: don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.

You may have vowed not to make the same mistakes with your own family. Yet you may be having problems with relationships, your marriage or raising your children. Perhaps you find yourself repeating the same patterns you learned as a child. Maybe you have over-compensated by imposing strict rules when there were none for you, of eliminating rules if you experienced nothing but discipline.

Do I carry some of the personal legacies of being an adult child of addiction (AC0A)?

Are you overly responsible or very irresponsible?
Are you afraid of intimacy?
Do you lie or exaggerate when it would be just as easy to tell the truth?
Do you have trouble following a project through from the beginning to end?
Do you judge yourself without mercy?
Do you have difficulty letting go and having fun?
Are you constantly seeking approval and affirmation?
Are you extremely loyal even when evidence indicates the loyalty is undeserved?
Do you over-react to changes over which you have no control?
Do you hate holidays?

Many people will be able to answer "yes" to some of these questions. Anyone who has grown up with chronic stress in the family will possess some of these characteristics. These traits can also be passed along from one generation to the next. Children learn by example, and will often adopt the behaviour patterns of their parents.

"I have always been afraid of success and
Afraid of failing. I have become
Super responsible, a real high achiever."
Audrey, late 40's

Parenting Issues

People who have grown up in families with addiction tend to experience difficulties in parenting. There may be difficulty with discipline - in setting "bottom lines". You may not want to make your parent's mistakes, but you may not know how to do things differently. You may be striving for perfection and your expectations may be too high. The result can be frustration, self-doubt and disappointment.

"I was looking for a rule book
for life, for my kids.
I was looking for a rule book on parenting."
Brenda, late 20's

Relationship Issues

Often grown children of addicted parents choose partners with similar backgrounds or addictions. Sometimes it's because the partner seems familiar or "comfortable". Sometimes it's because of the past relationship between parent and child. If the child took care of the parent, he or she may be looking for a partner who is just as needy.

"I think the biggest effect .
of having an emotionally unavailable
father is that I get myself
into relationships with emotionally unavailable men."
Beth, late 20's

"today I know I deserve a lot more.
That gives me a lot of hope."
Karen, early 30's

Someone in my life has an addictive addiction

What is happening to my family?
I feel like I'm going crazy! What can I do?
What if I'm the only one who thinks there's a problem?
I feel guilty. I think it's my fault. If I just behaved differently ..
If I just hang in there and love him/her enough he/she will stop the harmful behavior.
There is nothing I can do until he/she "hits bottom"
How do I help someone who doesn't want help?
What about the children? They don't know about it.
What should I tell the children?
If my partner does go to rehab what should I do when they come home?

What is happening to my family?

It doesn't matter what the addiction is (alcohol, drugs, gambling or any other self-destructive behavior), the effect on family and friends is the same. That is because a family circle is like a mobile that hangs in a window or over a baby's crib. All the members act together to maintain a balance. When one member is addicted, all the others are affected. They are forced to act differently to maintain a balance. Maintaining a balance is tough to do because you never know what the addicted person might do next. For many it is difficult to cope without help. Every family of an addicted person is in distress.

Confusion: At first, you may not recognize that addition is the issue. You may not understand your own feelings and think something else is wrong. When you finally understand the reason for your confusion, you can see how the addiction is affecting the whole family.

Stress: Confusion can lead to stress. Family members argue a lot and try to control the addiction. This rarely works. As a family member, you may feel rejected, frustrated and alone. Not knowing where to turn, you may start avoiding outside contact.

Exhaustion: When the stress begins to take its toll physically and emotionally, exhaustion may result. You may feel trapped, helpless and overwhelmed. You could actually become physically ill.

I feel like I'm going crazy! What can I do?

Being in a relationship with an addicted person can create a great deal of chaos and emotional upheaval.

If the addiction is not identified or agreed upon as a problem, it is easy to conclude that it is your mental health that is failing. Once addiction is acknowledged as the source of stress, what you are experiencing will be understood to be normal in a "crazy-making" situation. You may doubt your sanity, but it's unlikely you've lost it.

Taking care of yourself by seeking information about addiction and sources for emotional support is the best way to feel more in control of your mental health.

What if I'm the only one who thinks there's a problem?

Trust your intuition that there is a problem and share your concerns with other people. Get solid information about how addictive behaviors differ from social behaviors.

Find out what other friends and relatives have experienced with this person. People with addictions often work at keeping secrets about their behavior, so each friend or relative may only know a little piece about the level of the problem.
Only by sharing the entire picture will you be able to confirm your perception that there is a problem.

I feel guilty. I think it's my fault. If I just behaved differently ..

Families often feel that their behavior towards the addicted person either caused the addiction in the first place or influenced the ongoing addictive behavior.

Even if you were the most stressful parent or partner in the entire world (and what are the chances of that?) your loved one makes their own choice to abuse alcohol, drugs or gambling. We all face stress in life and not everyone handles it by getting involved in an addiction.

You have probably tried many different approaches to influence the addictive behavior but with limited results. Being nicer or tougher, louder or quieter will not stop the addicted person's behavior in the long run. One spouse described preparing her husband's favorite meal every payday thinking that this would keep him from choosing to go out drinking. In another instance, parents concluded that if they hadn't been so hard on their child the child would not be involved with drugs.

When you stop trying to figure out how you impact the other's behavior or accepting blame for someone else's choices you will have more energy for your own life.

If I just hang in there and love him/her enough he/she will stop the harmful behavior.

It is natural to want to love and protect someone you care about. But, when you are dealing with addiction you have to consider what message you are sending the addicted person by hanging in there through thick and thin.

Tolerating bad behavior adds stress to your own life and does not motivate the other to change.

A clearer message will be sent when a family follows through in allowing the addicted person to experience the natural consequences of their behavior. For example, an addicted person will be more motivated to change if the spouse clarifies to those that need to know (children/parents/employers) that Joe is not available because he is suffering from a hangover rather than the spouse covering for his absence.

There is nothing I can do until he/she "hits bottom".

This statement is true. But, what you do have the power to do is to "raise the bottom".

Raising the bottom occurs when we allow the person with the addiction to experience the consequences of the choices they are making. For example, if the addicted person spends all their rent money on gambling or drugs, if you cover the rent for them and bail them out, they will not have to face the more unpleasant prospect of dealing with a landlord and the possibility of eviction.

Hitting bottom occurs when consequences start to accumulate that can no longer be ignored. The bottom will be different things to different people, but will only be reached when the consequences of addiction are no longer being solved by family and friends.

How do I help someone who doesn't want help?

Trying to change the other person: It's frustrating if the person you think needs help refuses to connect with resources or talk with loved ones about the problem. It would be easy to get caught up in trying to convince this person to seek help. This approach only seems to wear family members out and does little to help the addicted person move towards change. If I can't change the other person, what can I do?

Many people say: "There is no point in going for help because he/she won't change anyway." Living with this belief they experience a sense of frustration and hopelessness. It is easy to believe that nothing will improve for you until the addicted person changes but, this is like putting someone else in charge of your well-being.

Family members are often pleasantly surprised with the results when they shift the focus away from what the addicted person needs to do. Focusing instead on what they can do to achieve more peace and stability for themselves produces far more results for families affected by addiction

You do not have to do it alone. It is certainly not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Nor does it take superhuman strength. Professional services and support groups are available.

Give clear messages that take a firm position about not tolerating addictive behavior. For example: you may have to tell your mother that you will no longer trust her to take care of your children because her use of alcohol makes her unreliable. You may tell a gambler that you will no longer lend him money. Following through on these kinds of statements will go a lot further than another plea for the addicted person to seek help.

What about the children? They don't know about it.

Children may not know about the actual alcohol intake or gambling activity, but even very young children detect when something is wrong in their households.

Children notice that Mommy or Daddy is crabby and tired. They register that the parent is not available for help with activities. They are affected by a parent's inability to keep up with responsibilities.

When a parent seems preoccupied with something else, children will often assume that this somehow is connected to them. "Maybe Mom is home less often because I am making her mad." "Maybe Dad forgot my birthday because he doesn't love me."

It is really helpful for the children in the home if the parent who recognizes that there is an addiction problem seeks helps and gives the children age appropriate information about their concerns.

What should I tell the children?

Each family will need to decide what specific information their children will need about an addiction problem.

Start by considering how the children have been or will be affected by living with addiction. Adults can then share information that is age appropriate that will reduce each child's stress related to these areas.

When children are not given information, they often reach inappropriate conclusions about what the problems are or how they are responsible.

When parents think they can wait until children are a certain age before they are told of the addiction problem, they discount the reality that these children have already been exposed to situations that they will need help to understand.

What should I do when he/she comes home from a residential rehabilitation program?

Strained family relationships do not magically heal once an addicted person completes rehabilitation.

Families often describe feeling very cautious around the recovering person. They fear doing or saying something that might set off the addiction again. When this tension is acknowledged, families, including the addicted person, can reduce any unrealistic expectations that everything will feel better right away.

There are many challenges ahead for a family in early recovery (2-3 years). It takes time and effort to rebuild trust and other aspects of a healthy relationship.

Families often benefit from outside supports during this time.

My adult child as an addiction

Is my adult child into addictive behaviours (eg. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, other self-destructive behaviour)? How will I know?

What can I do to fix the problem?

What if my adult child is living with me/us?
What about my grandchildren?

What about if my adult child is living with me/us?

When adult children remain in the home or when they return home because of the consequences of their addictive behaviours their parents often feel like failures. If you are living in this situation you may question your parenting - "what have I done wrong that this is happening? If only I had been a better parent things wouldn't have turned out this way." There is often a sense of loss. "Things weren't supposed to turn out this way. What happened to all the dreams I have had for my child."

One thing that parents often forget is that the home is their house and they have the right to determine what is acceptable within their own home. For example, when an adult child is living in his/her parent's home the following expectations are reasonable:

Take responsibility for your own needs such as sleep, food, clothing, healthcare, etc.
While in the parental home he/she will not engage in activities the parents are not comfortable with.
Solves own problems.
Is thoughtful and respectful of others' needs
Will share household chores and responsibilities.
Will respect parent's privacy.
If unemployed commits to education or serious job searching.
Manages own finances including contributing a share of their earnings to cover household expenses.

A word about the expectation: "While in the parental home he/she will not engage in activities the parents are not comfortable with." Adult children addicted to drugs, alcohol or other self-destructive behaviours often attempt to remain in or return to the family home. If a parent allows their child to live with them without them taking active action (enrolment in a rehabilitation program, regular attendance in a support group, other visible action) to turn their lives around the parent is supporting the child in their addiction.

People tell me just to "throw him/her out". This is a parent's worse nightmare. It goes against everything we believe about how families work, how we care for one another. Ask yourself the following questions:

Have I honestly done everything possible to convince them to get help?
Have I sought help, advice and support for myself (professional family services, support group)?
Have I reached the limit of what I can tolerate (emotionally, physically, mentally?

If this is your situation it may be time to recognize that for everyone's health and well-being you are not able to live with the active addiction in the home any longer.

Your child is an adult. Adults respect one another by allowing one another to make their own life choices. If your adult child has chosen to continue with self-destructive behaviour, the consequence of this choice is that he/she can no longer live in the family home. It doesn't mean that parents don't love and care; it means parents do what is needed for all concerned even when it hurts.

What about my grandchildren?

Addiction is as complex as it is destructive to all family relationships. When your adult child has children it is even more distressing. Some questions that commonly arise are:

What do I do when I suspect my grandchildren are being neglected?
Am I responsible for preventing hurt from happening to my grandchildren?
How can I decide what action on my part will benefit my grandchildren?
I thought I was finished raising a family - what do I do now?
What resources are there for me? I feel confused and unsure as to what will be helpful and what will not?

Correct information is essential. Educate yourself on the topic of addiction. Reading is helpful, but even better is contact with support groups and professionals in the field. Not only will you inform yourself of the dynamics of addiction in family systems but you will also learn of resources available in your particular community for persons dealing with this issue.

Seek professional help for yourself in dealing with the crisis and making decisions for yourself that will be healthy and life-giving both for you and your family.

Every family is different and every grandparent has his or her own particular needs. You are not alone and there is help available.

Children are living with a parent who has an addiction

Rules - don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.
Secret Keeping
Coping Roles
Feelings - What to do with them?
Self Blame
Resilience

Rules

There are three unwritten rules when you are living with addiction. Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. All three rules must be broken to begin the healing process. Children living with addiction need to know they can talk to someone about their situation. They need to learn how to share their feelings and how to stay safe.

Secret Keeping

Addiction of alcohol, drugs, gambling and other self-destructive behaviour affects all members of a family, not just the person with the addiction. Often, children of an addicted parent or guardian try to cope with their situation in secret. They may have been told not to talk about "family business" to outsiders. Sometimes, they remain secretive because of their own shame and fear. The silence is an attempt to maintain appearances or to preserve the family balance without causing further upset. The silence also makes it more difficult to understand the children affected.

"Even if I had a friend, I
wouldn't bring him home.
I wouldn't want him to know
what my family is like."
Jerome, 12 years old

Coping Roles

Children who live with addiction - or other problems at home - may respond by taking on certain roles that help them cope. The coping behavior can have negative consequences (acting out, withdrawal) or may be seen as positive (ambition, humor).

Over-achievers assume many adult responsibilities. This might be an attempt to restore family pride or to seek adult approval. Or the maturity just might be a necessity for survival at home.

Sullenness, defiance and blaming may be a role a child assumes which provides the family with a focus other than with the real problem of addiction.

The remote and undemanding child offers relief to the family. These children, when outside the family, may seem quiet, solitary and withdrawn.

In the class clown role a child often establishes self-worth by making others laugh and forget their conflicts temporarily.

"Sometimes I feel a hundred years older
(than my parents)."
Bryan, 14 years old

Feelings - What to do with them?

Feelings are neither good nor bad. It is the behavior associated with the feelings that may be positive or negative. With no outlet for their feelings in the stressful family teenagers who live with addiction are at risk of turning to alcohol, drugs or other addictive behaviors as a way of altering their feelings - as a way of feeling good about life and themselves.

"I can't talk to anyone because
no one would understand."
Nora, 13 years old

Self-Blame

Children of parents with an addiction often think they are to blame for the addiction. As a result, they may feel extremely guilty. They may also think their survival depends on fixing the problem. Youngsters need to be relieved of the responsibility for their parents' actions. They need to know they cannot cause, control or solve their parents' problems.

"If I wasn't so bothersome maybe my
Mom would stop drinking."
Tiffany, 11 years old

Resilience

The good news is that children are resilient. Many children who live with addiction survive the experience well. Those who need assistance can learn how to feel better about themselves, make friends and seek help when they need it. Informed, supportive adults who are willing to listen can make the difference.

Worried about a friend or co-worker

Studies show that those who are in a close relationship with someone with an addiction problem are affected in ways that are similar to family members. If you read about the effects of addiction on families you may find you see yourself in what is written there. You may find yourself caught up with your friend/co-worker in the same way as family doing such things as making excuses, covering up, etc. Explore other sections in this family area and you will find information that will help you understand what is going on. Family services are most certainly appropriate and available to you. For more information regarding the various Family Services programs available, click here.