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Information for Family & Friends of Problem Gamblers

The information on these pages is designed to assist people who are affected by someone else's gambling, whether that person be a family member or a friend. The information includes:

What does problem gambling look like?
Does someone else's gambling affect you?
How can seniors be affected by problem gambling?
Gam-Anon's 20 Questions
Helping the Gambler
Helping Yourself
Talking to Kids About Gambling
Treatment for Families of Problem Gamblers at the AFM
What does AFM's treatment services offer family members?
Self Help Resources
Recommended Books and Videos

Note: For immediate help about someone's gambling problem, please call the 24-hour Gambling Helpline at:
1-800-463-1554 (toll free)

What does problem gambling look like?

The Signs of Problem Gambling may help you to determine whether someone you know or love may have a gambling problem. (Click on the link for a list of the signs of problem gambling.

Does someone else's gambling affect you?

It's possible that you may have felt for some time that things were not quite right, but you couldn't put your finger on what was wrong. Whenever you questioned your family member about something out of the ordinary, that person had an explanation. Maybe the explanation didn't seem to make sense, but you believed it because you loved and trusted that person.

Gamblers may be able to keep their activities a secret by doing one or more of the following:

lying about how they spend their time and money
controlling all the family's finances
directing their mail to their place of business or a post office box
obtaining credit in their name only
forging signatures for personal loans or mortgages

How can seniors be affected by problem gambling?

In Manitoba, researchers have found that about five percent of people over 60, which translates to almost 10,000 people, have been hurt by someone they know who is gambling too much. The problem gambler is usually an adult child, a brother, a sister or a spouse. Many of these seniors try to help by giving money, listening to the gambler's problems, and sometimes looking after grandchildren. They are also affected by:

having promises repeatedly broken
lending money when they did not think they should
being yelled at or hit
feeling neglected or used

Gam-Anon's 20 Questions

The following 20 questions from Gam-Anon, a self-help organization for people affected by someone else's gambling, will help you determine if your loved one has a gambling problem:

Do you find yourself constantly bothered by bill collectors?
Is the person in question away from home for long, unexplained periods of time?
Does this person ever lose time from work due to gambling?
Do you feel that this person cannot be trusted with money?
Does the person in question faithfully promise that he or she will stop gambling or beg and plead for another chance, yet gamble again and again?
Does this person ever gamble longer than he or she intended to - until the last dollar is gone?
Does this person ever gamble to get money to solve financial difficulties or have unrealistic expectations that gambling will bring the family material comfort and wealth?
Does this person immediately return to gambling to try to recover losses or to win more?
Does this person borrow money to gamble or to pay gambling debts?
Has this person's reputation ever suffered due to gambling, even to the extent of committing illegal acts to finance gambling?
Have you come to the point of hiding money needed for living expenses, knowing that you and the rest of the family may go without food and clothing if you do not?
Do you search this person's clothing, go through his or her wallet when the opportunity presents itself, or otherwise check on his or her activities?
Do you hide his or her money?
Have you noticed a significant change in the gambler as his or her gambling progresses?
Does the person in question consistently lie to cover-up or deny his or her gambling activities?
Does this person use guilt induction to shift responsibilities for his or her gambling activities?
Do you attempt to anticipate this person's moods or try to control his or her life?
Does this person ever suffer from remorse or depression due to gambling, sometimes to the point of threatening self-destruction?
Has gambling ever brought you to the point of threatening to break up the family unit?
Do you feel that your life together is a nightmare?

If you answered "yes" to at least six of the above questions you may be living with a compulsive gambler. Help is available for you and the gambler.

Source: Gam-Anon
More information about how families are affected by addiction is available on AFM's Family Services page.

Helping the Gambler

While no one can make gamblers stop gambling, you can support them by: talking to them about their gambling, not giving or loaning money, becoming knowledgeable about problem gambling and encouraging the person to seek help:

Talk to the person about the gambling

Ask the person about his or her gambling. If you think there might be a problem, the direct approach is best.
Consider how you might be willing to support or assist if the person is having a problem. Tell them you care about them.
If you think there is a problem with gambling, tell them what you have observed. Then ask for their feedback on your observations.
Try to avoid arguments, and don't blame the person. These approaches may cause defensive behaviour in the gambler.
Use a positive approach so the person feels your concern and understands that there are some ways that you would consider helping.

Don't offer to give or loan money

It's tough for family members and friends to watch a problem gambler run into financial problems. But the question is, should money be loaned or given in these circumstances?
The experts say "no." This may sound uncaring, but it's really the only thing you can do so that the gambler will experience the consequences of his or her gambling. If problem gamblers are bailed out, they don't have to face the financial problems and can continue to gamble, adding to future problems.
However, you can still make it clear that you will stand by the gambler and be there to support him or her.

Become knowledgeable about problem gambling

You will be better able to help both yourself and the problem gambler if you gather as much information as possible about the problem.
Becoming more knowledgeable will also help you to prepare for future issues, enabling you to minimize the impact that problem gambling may have on you and your family.

Encourage the person to seek help

Problem gamblers often need encouragement to obtain professional help or support, and they may not be able to control the problem without this help.
You can talk to the person about this, and provide contact information for counselling and support services. For more information on how to get help, please call the 24 hour Gambling Helpline at 1-800-463-1554 (toll free).

Protecting Yourself

Family and friends of problem gamblers often harbour feelings of guilt, shame and helplessness. As well, there may be feelings of frustration and anger caused by the impact of the gambling. People affected by problem gambling may not know where to turn or who to talk to for assistance, so isolation may occur.

There are several things you can do to lessen the impact of the problem gambling on yourself and your family: protecting your finances, maintaining your physical and emotional well-being and taking time for yourself.

Protect your finances

Visit your financial advisors (banks, RRSP accounts, etc.) to make sure you have control over the finances that you are able to control.
You may choose whether or not to tell your financial advisors about the gambling problem in your family. In some instances, divulging the problem may not be in your best interest.
Don't let the gambler have unnecessary access to cash and credit that you can control on your own or have the gambler's cooperation to control.
Put your family on a budget that allows for spending money, but not access to money required for necessities.
Don't assume the gambler's debt.
Talk to financial experts to find out what your rights are regarding another person's debt and to get professional advice on your finances.
Don't sign anything you don't understand without professional advice.

Maintain your physical and emotional well-being
Physical or emotional abuse is not acceptable at any time or in any situation. Don't let the gambler blame you or harm you. Your safety is the top priority, so do whatever is necessary to keep safe. In severe situations, this may mean calling the police or finding an alternate living arrangement.

Take time for yourself

You may find yourself so wrapped up in the gambler's problem and its impact on you and your family that you become resentful and angry.
It's important to put the problem out of your mind at times so you can have some happy, stress-free time to yourself.
Take time to participate in the activities you enjoy and to spend time with friends. Doing this will give you the break you need to enable you to better deal with the problem.

For more information on helping yourself, call the AFM Gambling Helpline at: 1-800-463-1554 (toll free).

Talking with Children about Addiction in the Family

Not talking about problems, especially "THE PROBLEM" is a very common behaviour in families with addictions.

Not telling children is often initially motivated by love and protectiveness but can get knotted up together with fear. Trying to protect the child from information is misguided as children know when something is wrong. Giving it a name helps them understand what is happening in their lives and why.

Expected benefits
Talking about the addiction in the family and how you are working to change are important steps to building your relationships with your children.

When you deny the problem you isolate from your child. Acknowledging that one parent is struggling with addiction gives children hope and a sense of security. Children feel more secure when they have the knowledge that at least one of their parents is healthy, unafraid and can see their reality.

Sharing feelings is an important step toward developing emotional health. When you encourage your children to identify and talk about their feelings about difficult topics like a parent's addiction, you're helping them to understand that these feelings are normal.

Children and stress
Reach out to your children whether or not they ever ask any questions, whether they seem fine or are acting out their stress. It's hard to imagine a child growing up or visiting in a home with addiction and not being affected. Let's dispel the myth that some children don't need to know.

Some children react to stress by holding feelings inside while others will act out what they cannot express. Children that hold feelings in may try very hard to be good, working extra hard in school and making few demands on adults. This child may be a worrier, have low self-esteem, or be fearful, shy, or prone to cry easily. Physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches or frequent illnesses are common in children who internalize stress. Children that act feelings out may lose their tempers easily, become demanding or destructive, or may tease or bully other children.

Finding the balance...
Sometimes parents are walking a tightrope between secrecy and openness where children are concerned.

What's too little information
Consider which information is toxic to the parent/child relationship and needs to be shared. Anything that the child could interpret as an adult not caring for them should be given a reasonable explanation that clarifies the adult's feelings for the child.

Growing children who are struggling to make sense of confounding messages from their parents pay a big price as more and more of their energy and attention gets drawn into responding to mystery. When a mother or father shows intense but unexplained emotion, works hard to hide what she/he is feeling, or unaccountably withdraws, children experience distress. They may become detectives, create elaborate fantasies, blame themselves, or develop painful symptoms.

What's too much information
Children can be informed that some matters are being worked out between adults (counselling, meetings). Children watch us carefully and when they see us taking care of business they return to their own lives. They do not need to know the adult content of these matters just that the adult is attending to their own needs. Any information that is shared should reflect healthy parent child boundaries and always take each child's age into consideration.

What to expect
Talking about addiction and recovery will be a process not an event. Children do not hear the way adults do. It may seem as if information did not matter but every child takes in new and potentially loaded information in his or her own unique way. It doesn't mean a child did not take it in or was not affected by information if they run off to play or don't ask any questions. Questions often come later unconnected to the initial telling.

The doing...
Don't overwhelm children with everything you want them to know all at once. Be prepared to initiate revisiting the topic from time to time. They have learned not to talk about it so they need modeling and encouragement to break old patterns.

Assess what they are ready to hear, what they need to know and how to best communicate with each child in language appropriate to their age. Your children still love your spouse, even though they don't like his or her addictive behaviour. Help them to understand that this is okay. It's possible to love someone very much even though the way they are behaving makes you feel sad and disappointed.

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Treatment for Families of Problem Gamblers at the AFM

People who worry about someone else's gambling experience a great deal of stress and often benefit from connecting with treatment resources themselves. Talking about things with someone who understands can help to make sense of what seems like an overwhelming situation.

Counselling is available to family members. Family members may access AFM services with or without the person with the gambling problem.

In Winnipeg, family members can attend a Gambling Services Orientation. In other locations, families can call their local AFM office to find out about services.

What does AFM's treatment services offer family members?

Family members can meet with a counsellor or participate in group programs. These sessions encourage family members to take care of themselves and to plan for their emotional and financial safety needs. AFM services are free of charge and can be accessed through the gambling helpline (1-800-463-1554 toll-free).

Self Help Resources

Gam-Anon is a self help group where friends and family members can receive immediate support when they have been impacted by someone else's gambling. Advantages of involvement with Gam-Anon include:

immediate support is received
families learn from each other
the isolation that often surrounds addiction is broken
Gam-Anon locations or contacts can be found by calling the Gambling Helpline (toll free at 1-800-463-1554) or by accessing the Gam-Anon website.